Monday, October 16, 2000 Volume XXV, No. 37
Roswell, New Mexico
In this issue:
Rodrigo Chapter 6
Albert Calls A Disciple
And it came to pass during the month of Augustus as Albert wandered alone, when his scribes and sorcerers had many days cast lots and engaged in all manner of divinations to no avail. For they sought to answer him, that he may not be alone.
2 That Albert inquired of them some five score occasions as to whom he should choose to accompany him on his journey.
3 And those close to Albert had spoken of two men, one Bayh, the lesser, the Hoosierite, and the other of Upper Carolinus, of the family and lineage of Edwards.
4 And Albert had responded unto them, O ye wicked and foolish men, know ye well that I yet reward thee greatly to be about your wickedness, but I shall not abide that ye may be foolish.
5 Ye thinketh the people shall vote for me because my disciple be of countenance fair and youthful? Thy iniquity doth blind thee that these two be merely boys, who know not of which they speak. Yea, their tribes entrust them to more minor duties for their countenance, and the words which flow from them like oil, but the vast multitudes of the nation will not have them.
6 Verily, verily I say unto thee, forsooth even the Hoosierites will not be with me, it mattering not one whit that one of their own be my closest disciple. See ye nothing, o ye foolish men? That even now they prepare their altars for sacrifices to the Pachydermians, and that they yet dwell in the land of GOP. How foolish of thee to believe otherwise.
7 And the foolish men left him, and were scorned for three days and three nights, and they rent their clothing and didst beat themselves with scourges and many denied they knew them, let alone that they too had recommended unto Albert these same paths.
8 Then came certain men who came to Albert by night, that they might not be seen of others, for jealousy raged strong in the tents of the people of the Burro.
9 And they spoke unto him saying, knowest thou one Joseph of Liebermathaea, the fisherman? The one who casts his nets in all manner of direction that many may take notice, that he may be seen as differing with those in thine own house? And Albert responded, saying, "Yea, I know him, he is the one who is known as 'he who fishes for respect' but I understand him not, nor his ways."
10 And the night visitors said unto him "We cast our lot with him, that he shall be thy disciple. And Albert said unto them, surely it is written our stable be barren, and our oxen and horses be poor of stature. And they responded, yea master, it is so, the Burrovian peoples do suffer great famine and want of talents.
11 And early in the morning Albert arose and went to him as Joseph sat in his vessel in the Sea of Connecticut, for his reputation was that of one who did contemplate much, and his utterances were interpreted widely as those of one who was much troubled.
12 Albert getting into the boat said unto him, "wherefore sitteth thee here and realizeth little gain to rectify that which troubleth thee?
13 And Joseph answered him saying, "verily I say unto you I have cast my net many times that I may be seen by many and that they might know that I am troubled by much." And Albert, hearing this, was greatly amazed.
14 And at once he directed Joseph to cast his net on the other side. And this he did. And immediately his net was filled with so many of the Medianites, and the weight of their equipment and cameras, and opinions was such that the boat began to sink.
15 And when they were come unto dry ground---after they had swum for it, for there were no miracles in Albert--- Joseph said unto him, "Master, I am troubled yet, I fear that lo, e'en though I may worship thee, my mere speeches shall give cause to a rift between us." Behold I have made known to the multitudes those things which trouble me. And Albert said unto him, speak to me my son, that I may hear thy troubles.
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(NOTE: This section is best translated as the "Troubleatitudes")
16 I am troubled by those who make merriment for millions by means of electronic devices and film and who would leave us with little but obscenity, and think not of the destruction they have wrought.
17 I am troubled by policies of commerce and trade which recognize not the ancient truths plainly to be seen and understood.
18 I am troubled by those who have organized in the midst of the Burrovians and whose syndicate seeks permanent control of the impartation of learning among the children of the nation.
19 I am troubled by the presence of those who would bring filthy lucre from the Orient and seek therefore to choose a leader among us and also those who write the laws.
20 And most of all I am troubled by the King, William of Dogpatchia, whom I have denounced with much vigor and whom I have accused with much fervor for his unrighteousness and his unworthiness to dwell in the palace of the Kings.
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21 Then Albert sat for an hour, and he pondered these things which Joseph had said unto him. And at and at long last he rose and paced to and fro, and turning to Joseph he inquired of him, "Dost these things trouble thee that they might cause thee such pain that thou wilst abandon the Burrovian peoples in whose tents thou dwellest?"
22 And at once Joseph responded, "Nay master, all I have ever done is speak unto the Medianites of that which troubleth me, but thou testeth me of that which I believe, and verily I say unto you, I believe little."
23 And at once the veil fell from Albert and he saw plainly, and said unto Joseph, "Clearly now I see how thou canst say thou be of the House of Orthodoxy, yet even still defy its teachers and its rabbis and support those who would destroy babies even as they be in part born, having departed their mothers' wombs." And Joseph said, "Yea master, it is so, thou dost see clearly."
24 And he continued speaking, "Thy teachers and thy rabbis, they challenge thee not?" "Nay, master, they have given unto me a waiver." "And the Medianites?" And suddenly there was much mirth as all those round about saw plainly that Albert had lost his train of thought, for the Medianites believed not in any form of moral restraint on the behavior of man, and all who lived even the lowliest of scribes and clerks among them didst know these things already. And Albert caught himself.
25 Then of grave countenance he inquired more strongly of Joseph, "Thou speakest of the filthy lucre' of the Orient, and I say directly unto you, in what manner think ye I know of these things?" And there was discomfort in their presence, but suddenly he spoke, "In no wise, believe I this, master," said Joseph.
26 And straightway the scribes and sorcerers---and the diviners who had returned to the fold---leapt to their feet and shouted with great force, and there was rejoicing on the shores of Connecticut.
27 And Albert said unto Joseph, "Stand forth Joseph of of Liebermathaea, and follow me, and I will make thee a fisher of votes."